Dear Race Fans, 

I have received some alarming information regarding Valentino Rossi, which, if entirely accurate will go some way to explaining the extreme frustration Honda bosses displayed at having lost him to Yamaha.

It would appear that beneath the fleshy facials, luminous clown suits and smug grin, Rossi may be nothing more than a pile of nuts, bolts and Swiss clock internals.

Rossi, or Number 46 as he is referred to at Honda’s HRC racing department, was originally created by a woefully lonely Mr Graziano Rossi, back in the early part of 1979. In a sad and desperate bid to make up for his disappointing GP career, Mr Rossi teamed up with local eccentric Loris Reggiani, who at the same time as he was knocking up Aprilia's infant 250 GP bike in his back shed, aided Graziano in the Gepettoesque manufacture of a "son". 

The early years were good times for the Rossi's. ‘Grazzo’ and ‘Reg’ had done such a convincing job that no one in the quaint Italian town of Tavulia thought twice when told that little "Vale" had returned from a long spell overseas at a top UK boarding school. Even at an early age the little alloy Pinnochio showed a great ability to ride or drive anything with an engine and wheels - only being beaten during on track competition when someone accidentally turned him off with a wayward flick from a TV remote control. This unforeseen flaw was later ironed out completely, but not until several bemused physisians had attempted to diagnose the Rossi youngster with narcolepsy. 

As the years progressed, the prospect of unleashing his little 12 volt miracle on the GP world filled Grazzo's bearded bonce to bursting point. He finally bribed Loris Reggiani with a sack full of German dungeon porn and a dildo shaped bottle of whisky, into convincing his Aprilia bosses that Vale was ready for a shot at the big time.

The little automaton soon showed flashes of the frightening speed that even his rudimentary Atari 2600 based circuitry could produce, but in order not to raise too much suspicion early on, they installed a failsafe device that enabled Vale to inexplicably eject himself from his machine "on demand".

As time went on, and Valentino's circuits were upgraded to Playstation™ components, he became able to process many more tasks, and post race "stunts" were introduced in order to direct attention away from the young lad's seemingly flawless talent. One of these stunts in particular had a profound effect on Rossis future appearance. As he comically stepped into a trackside portaloo after winning the Italian 250 GP, a stray wire tumbled into the temporary urinal, giving Rossi a brief frazzle, and creating the curly afro mop that race goers see adorning his head to this very day!

The 125 and 250 titles came with relative ease, only marred in his first 250 campaign by an occasional glitch in the failsafe circuits that saw the bauxite boy wonder flung to the ground at the most inopportune moments. The path to the titles had been a merry one and ‘Grazzo’ had finally been able to live his unfulfilled world championship dreams through his mutant offspring, reaping the financial benefits along the way.

It wasn't all roses however, as Rossi senior, bloated and gorged on the fruits of success had left a string of debt at Casinos and strip joints all across Europe. The good times were over, they were broke and had no more money for further modifications. In desperation at his plight, Graziano soon realised that it was time to sell out - to move Vale over to the dark side........to Honda Racing ! 

With Grazzo paid off, and little Vale in their grasp, Honda soon modified his circuits with high tech prototypes, aimed at removing the fun loving Italian stereotype and replacing it with a much more serious Japanese model that they could rely on. 
There would be no more hedonistic post race disgraces if the Nipponese overlords had their way!

Fortunately for die hard race fans, the personality model had to be compromised after several near fatal headbuttings of corporate guests by the confused and over eager "bowing" of Robo Rossi's kevlar and titanium skull threatened to reveal Honda's terrible secret.

The by now maturing cyborg therefore, had some of his old "personality” reinstated, but as a safeguard he was placed in the hands of the most robotic human they could come across....the inconceivably dour "Doohan San". 
Doohan reigned in Rossi's over exuberant flashes and began to mould him into a terrifyingly consistent race winning machine, the terminator of the Moto GP paddock.

That is, until one fateful day…….. 
Late in 2003, Rossi's eclectic mish mash of old Flymo bits and Nip know-how became fully self aware...the real lawnmower man had truly arrived. Valentino had become his own man/robot, and dissatisfied with the Honda managements treatment of him, he planned his own mutiny, the RC211V being his metaphorical “Bounty”. 

Realising this, and in a blind panic, Honda engineers tried to turn Rossi off, but it was too late! He had already amassed a Little Black Book of factory numbers in his memory banks - and was going to use it.

Despite all their attempts to restrain him, Rossi escaped from the clutches of his developers - and used his updated psychology circuits to persuade some trusted Honda employees to "do a runner" with him. 

The rest, as they say, is history –although it is somewhat surprising that the Yamaha engineers didn’t accidentally turn Rossi into a fax machine or an electronic keyboard.